From the time a service member learns that they're going home, there is nothing more important than that military homecoming. Anticipation mounts, as their head fills with scenes of friends and family welcoming them back home. All they can think about is settling back into the good life: the hugs, the kisses, the smiles, and the dog jumping all over them as they open the front door.
But a military homecoming isn’t always as easy as it sounds. I have been both an active duty military member as well as a dependent spouse. I have been on both sides of the military homecoming. My first one was not so easy, and my stress level was up for a while. Not because anyone was thoughtless about my return, but because they thought about it too much. They tried to cram too much into too short a time, and I was overwhelmed. Sometimes we think about what seems like the right thing to do, but not about how it impacts the returning spouse.
Readjustment is a process. It's something that has to happen naturally. It can't be forced or even predicted. It may take time to adjust to being home and to have your loved one back. Everyone involved will have to adjust, consider the others involved, and, above all, be patient.
We have compiled some tips and suggestions on dealing with a military homecoming that could make the transition more stress-free for everyone concerned. With over 20 years of service, my spouse and I have enjoyed many military homecoming experiences -- some for ourselves, as well as others involving our close friends. We have seen what makes the transition easier and what can make it more difficult.
While we aren't clinical psychiatrists or family counselors, we have both had experience with family reunions. Both professionally and on a volunteer basis, we have worked with military family groups and organizations. Most of all, we've seen first-hand what usually works well and what tends to trigger problems. We present here some of the most common mistakes and ways to prevent extra anxiety while acclimating to a military homecoming.
Your first impulse may be to immediately work “the tour” of reconnecting with friends and relatives. You may have planned a homecoming party. Some people even stop and visit relatives on the way home from the airport! It's natural to want to reconnect with your family and friends. There is nothing wrong with that. However, please remember that the first few days will be the most uneasy for everyone at home, even the dog.
1. Keep your options open
At least as much as you can. Try to be flexible and be prepared for anyone to become stressed at any time. Your service member and your family and friends may just glide right through the extended visits. They may all pick up right where they left off. Then again, sometimes it can be a bit more trying. Be patient about catching up with friends and relatives.
You may be tired or not up to telling the same stories over and over. It has been a rough few days since you left your assignment and headed home. There are long travel times, adjusting to the new time zone, tons of paperwork done to get you here, and may still need to do.
Not everyone will realize what an ordeal military travel can be. Just remind yourself that these people love you and are genuinely interested in your adventures. Also, remember that they will understand if you need to retire early or have trouble focusing.
Your children may have spent a long time without you around. You may find that the younger children and infants may be standoffish around you when you first return home. Be patient and remember to give them time to reacquaint themselves with the idea of having you around. If they are shy around you, or maybe even afraid of you at first, give them time to adjust. It isn’t personal.
For the family:
If your service member is returning from a particularly intense tour, this becomes even more important. It may be that they just want to decompress at home for a bit before hitting the road again or dealing with extended family members.
2. Show interest
The most significant part of showing interest in your loved one is being patient and just listening. Whether you're the returning service member or the dependent spouse, you've both been through a lot on your own. It's natural to want to share everything that happened to you over the months of your separation. Remember that you need to step back and let the other partner "debrief" about their adventures and trials as well.
For the service member:
Reconnect with everyone in the family. If you have young children, they may be having issues that they do not fully understand. Acknowledge how much your children have grown. Take interest and show pride in any hobbies or new interests they have developed since you last saw them. Mention anything you notice and make positive comments.
With your partner, try to remember that they've had a rough time holding everything together in your absence. Perhaps it hasn't been as intense or dangerous as your experiences, but try to remember that they've been pulling the weight of two the whole time. Dependent spouses have their own type of "war stories," so let them recount them and attend to them. And don't forget to express your pride and gratitude for the wonderful job they've done in your absence.
For the family:
Ask your service member about their time away. Small children will be especially interested in the cultures and places the service member has experienced. Be curious, but not pushy. Let your service member go at their own pace. Remember to give them all the time and space they need to talk about their deployment. Even if you've heard the stories before, you may find that they need to recount their experiences several times as a way to process them emotionally and mentally.
3. Show affection
If you've been apart for a very long time, it may take some time to become comfortable with each other again. Let them know how much you care. Little things like quick hugs and even hand-holding can go a long way in the early stages. Now that everyone is together, let them know how you felt when you were apart. Little gifts and mementos let your loved ones know you are, and were, thinking of them.
Give all the members of your household some special attention. It's important for the children to feel renewed love from the returning service member. It is equally important that children not feel neglected by the dependent spouse at this point. A little personal attention goes a long way. Although you may also be just as keen to have some alone time together again, make sure any children don't feel excluded in favor of restoring your "couplehood."
4. Don’t accidentally be overcritical
Compromise becomes key to any successful partnership. However, when partners are separated, each one has to make decisions without the other's input. You and your spouse may not necessarily make the same choices when it comes to finances, household management, or schools. It's important to show you that trust the other partner's judgment completely by accepting those choices.
For the service member:
Your spouse has been carrying the load while friends and family have likely been pitching in during your absence. Family and friends may have been helping with transportation issues, household chores, or childcare. The family may have done some minor redecorating or made improvements around your house. Everyone has been taking up some slack while you were gone. Remember to acknowledge their efforts and stay positive. Stay positive, even if it was not what you would have done or the way you would have done it.
Take a little time to reacquaint yourself with any house rules your spouse may have established. Your children are older now, and they may be living under different restrictions or freedoms than the last time you saw them. Your children and your spouse will have grown and changed a bit over this time. Even frequent correspondence, phone contact, or even Skyping will not fully prepare you for those changes.
Acquaint yourself with any new “house rules” that may be in effect. Let your spouse continue to handle discipline for a while. You don’t need to appear heavy-handed as soon as you get home. And you probably don't want to, either. You don't have to take up the mantle of “immediate supervisor” now that you're home. At least, not immediately.
For the family:
Don’t try to show your service member all the upgrades or improvements you have made around the house at once. Give them time to get used to familiar surroundings. Give them some extra time as they discover the new details and changes you may have made in their absence. Don’t be hurt if they don’t react the way you would like at first. Remember that the service member may start to feel that you didn't need them at home. Make sure they know that is not true.
5. Avoid misconceptions
Some friends or family members may be upset or resentful of your assignment. Alternatively, they may think that you were on an extended vacation to some exotic land. Sometimes, even family members who should know better may think that your assignment was all fun and adventure. They may even subconsciously resent keeping the home alive with the kids and the mortgage.
For the service member:
Be sensitive to those perceptions. Try to gently let them know that you were working and possibly in mortal danger at the time. Chances are they already know this, but that doesn't always prevent resentment. Remember that this attitude can develop in the stay-at-home spouse, even in non-military families. It can happen more easily than we'd like to believe. Now that you're home encourage your spouse to focus on their own career or goals for a while.
For the family:
Your service member spouse knows that you've had to shoulder the domestic load while they were gone. Hopefully, you both understood the deployment parameters before they left. You are an important part a military family, and sometimes you will have to take over all the civilian duties; it goes with the job. Remember that it's okay for you to have a life, a career, and even some adventure during your service member spouse's deployment.
6. Avoid overindulgence
When I came back from my first remote tour, I went on a spending spree. Not that I had any problems spending my cash overseas -- everything was new and exotic and pretty inexpensive. But, after I came home, I wanted to buy anything I didn’t have access to when overseas. That can be an issue for everyone involved, especially when it empties the bank account. The service member wants to experience everything they have been missing, and of course, the spouse wants them to have it.
For the service member:
Just remember that it may take some time to get the budget stabilized within the new family dynamic. Try not to go on a spending binge as soon as you are reunited. There may be new expenses that you haven’t considered now that you are all together again. You may need to buy another vehicle. You may also no longer be receiving extra service pay associated with your deployment.
For the family:
All the things that brought you together as a couple before will help bring you back together now. If you both enjoyed going to the movies or a particular restaurant, go there at the first opportunity. Don’t feel bad about leaving the kids with a sitter for one night to have a romantic evening. But you don't have to let them destroy the family savings in order to show how much you appreciate them coming home.
Welcome your service member home in a big way. It may sound hokey, but go overboard! That doesn't mean spending a lot of money. It does mean spending a lot of time and giving a lot of attention. There is nobody who doesn’t like being fussed over.
Monitor your children and look for them to test their limits after your military member comes home. All children, especially younger children, need clearly defined boundaries for their own safety. It is not uncommon for them to test the new limits now that another parent is home. Be consistent in observing and laying out the house rules. As long as you don’t swing too far either way because of circumstances, things should settle back quickly.
Give Your Military Homecoming Plenty of Time and Space
Whether you're a service member returning home or a dependent family member trying to readjust, perhaps the most crucial factor in any military homecoming is giving everyone time to adjust. Your service member needs time to readjust to being back home. Try not to over-burden them with family visits every day or lots of running around on the first week. Also, try not t​​o expect them to just snap back into their old routine. In my case, what took the longest to adjust to after my military homecoming was home-cooked American food.
Keep in mind that adjusting to a military homecoming can be stressful for all members of the family. During this process, it's important to allow yourself and your family time to settle in. Make sure they still have plenty of personal space. Under most circumstances, things will get back to normal quickly.
It doesn't always go smoothly, however. Occasionally, a family member develops loss of appetite, prolonged sadness, sleeping difficulty, or other problems adjusting. Should anyone in your family show signs of a negative reaction to the reunion, there are many resources to turn to for assistance. You can utilize the nearest military facility for help. The Family Support Center, Chaplain's Office, and other family organizations are there to help. They have dealt with these issues before and are well-trained in helping you solve them. If more intensive assistance is required, contact your branch's mental health clinic for support; the Family Advocacy Program can also be of service. They will not judge you or place blame. They are there for just this reason -- sometimes, it's hard to adjust after a military homecoming.
Welcome home and thank you for yours and your family's service.
